I’m chomping on a focaccia sandwich, sitting in the sun on a damp, grassy hill overlooking the canal. In fact, I’m in the same spot I was roughly a week ago when I was finishing planning for the retreat we ran last weekend. The weekend already feels like a hazy dream, the one where you wake up with clarity for exactly two minutes until it becomes a blur of distant feeling.
I should be celebrating, dancing on the rooftops. I did my first retreat! Let’s be clear, I’ve led 100’s of workshops, meetings and team retreats, but all within an organizational setting. This was the first to belong to me, Rosie and the gorgeous nine women who built it with us.
Back to celebrating – where’s the cake and why aren’t we eating it yet?
Well one, coming back to a crowded London, full of itchy eyes and noses made my insides sad. This weekend confirmed again that I’m not meant to live in the city anymore. I need forest and mountains to breathe. I had to push past the seas of people flooding onto the train at my stop, saying excuse me to indifferent football fan ears.
Second, I came home to a sick baby girl – coughing, feverish and fighting sleep. It felt good to hug my baby, but tough for there to suddenly be no space to think, share my triumphs with Brett or even rest. A good reminder that life keeps moving.
Lastly, I felt the contrast between the beauty I can create in the moment and the questioning, grunting and work it takes to make that all something tangible. It’s hard work, and I’m unsure of what comes next. I can feel the ‘shoulds’ welling up, and I’m already using up energy to quiet them.
I should be posting on social media, I should capture all the learning. I should be visible to our group. I should write about it. I should turn this into content, market and package myself into a neat little instagram photo and tagline. I should pitch, but not too in your face, what we can offer next, while building a community, respecting my boundaries, and modelling working happier. I should grocery shop, clean and prepare for my parents. I should renew my insurance (ok I did that). I should be looking for more work, contributing more to the family, be making this a sustainable living. I should sleep, eat healthy, exercise, connect emotionally and physically with my partner, connect with my business partner, be present with my daughter, catch up on my course, attend tonight’s call, and on and on and celebrate.
So you see, I’m too full to eat the cake right now, or even bake it. Ok I did buy a Nutella cookie, but you get my meaning.
What’s the takeaway, the coach within asks.
There’s no goddamn takeaway.
Ok there’s a nugget.
It’s ok not to celebrate right now.
It’s ok to look inward and not live it all outwardly.
It’s ok to focus on the basics this week – eat, sleep, care for tiny human and family.
And leave the big questions for later. I’m not a magician, though I do often ask people what they would change if given a magic wand.
So yep, that’s it. Time to eat my cookie and read a book. Celebration will come.