I’m not afraid?

I have been in worse, I have seen worse, I’m not the most vulnerable, why am I still feeling fear? 

I have been on lockdown, sometimes alone, sometimes with people I barely knew. I have felt the threat of kidnapping, infectious diseases. I have watched friends and colleagues respond to the Ebola crisis and fight illness in healthcare systems at home. For god’s sake, I’ve lived without toilet paper before, though I’d prefer to have it, and on a bucket of homemade peanut butter. So why did my pulse quicken when I saw empty store shelves and a stream of people with grocery bags? Do they know something I don’t? Why did I jump a little when someone coughed on the street, and felt vulnerable during an essential hospital visit, carefully watching what I touched and cracking the hand sanitizer? 

I’m not anywhere near being the most vulnerable. I’m doing my part to not expose others, but after an ill-advised 3am news and Facebook scroll, I’m freaking out. Why?

One, this feels different. The world feels small and like it shrank even more this week. I hear from friends and family how this pandemic is affecting all corners of the world – from 6pm to 6am military curfew in Tunis, to exacerbating political and economic crisis in Lebanon, not to mention how this could affect refugees who have little access to sanitation or healthcare, to a new level of anxiety in Ethiopia and Uganda, to those frustrated with no response in Brazil where photos depict crowded beaches and stadiums, to incompetent leadership in the U.S. where until recently they denied this was a big deal. It has a truly global reach, no place to hide –  except maybe on the beaches of Aruba.

Two, this feels uncertain, and at the worst of times, apocalyptic. There are curved scenarios, some peaked, some flat, some planked. Schools have closed, cultural institutions have closed, airports are more ghostly, and shelves empty (though not always the same ones, unsurprisingly meat is being hoarded in South Africa, while it’s toilet paper and pasta in the UK). Where they can, more people are isolating at home with their families, or trying to get home before more borders close. 

Businesses are getting desperate and jobs feel uncertain – do I have to cut my hours to look after my kids, do I change jobs because I can’t go in, do I even have a choice not to come in if my employer says so and my expenses still need to be paid. How long will this last – some say weeks, others months, others predict a new norm. Did I wake up to a Shaun of the dead scenario (Brett that reference was for you per Simon’s video)? Last week it still felt like no big deal in the UK, and this week it became real. 

Third, for the first time, I have a taste of being kicked into a more vulnerable category. Normally I’m considered fairly young and healthy, though that youthful feeling of invincibility wore off a while ago. I’m pregnant, and everyone keeps remarking to me or loudly on their phone – “what an awful time to be pregnant”. Thanks a lot! I wouldn’t know any different, this is my only time being pregnant. Though it is definitely an added element in my mental calculation, especially when I made the decision to self-isolate sooner. 

I also have close family members with compromised immune systems, and many of us have older friends, parents (you’re young at heart mom and dad) or grandparents we’re thinking about. There’s the catch 22 of wanting to help them, but not infect them. Video hugs, if they can work the video, or air high fives for the foreseeable future. 

So my heart is beating faster, what the hell can I do? I’ll mobilize, I’ll plug into anywhere I can to support. Connect our coach cohorts to see how we can support clients and each other as a community, post flyers in my building to offer help to the most vulnerable, volunteer coaching hours for healthcare staff and humanitarian groups, organize social events for old colleagues responding to this crisis or friends feeling isolated…

I rattled off a million ideas to my own coach, at which point she interrupted me and said “How do you feel right now?”. I rolled my eyes, luckily we were not on video, and said I was calm and had already spent enough time with fear. I was fairly convincing in my voice, but she didn’t buy it. She prodded further, had me slow down my thoughts and see what was happening in my body. I noticed my heart was beating quickly, like a constant fluttering in my chest, and a tightening in my throat. I fought at first, until it broke through and I admitted feeling fear – was I being a responsible pregnant woman, was my husband’s work trip last week risky, were my family and friends across the globe ok, did we have enough tissue because I already had to blow my nose again?

I kept bringing the focus back to others, and she gently pushed it back to me. Remember that commitment to self-care, she didn’t say it, but I could feel that was where we were going. “Instead of telling me what you can do for others, tell me what you need right now”. It took me two whole minutes of awkward silence to think about it and finally say – free pregnancy videos. My back is sore and I need more exercise than a walk. I’m going to research some options today. I also need to fix a healthy lunch today because I’m super hungry and cereal was not enough. I need to write because that’s how I express my deepest thoughts. Maybe I’ll share it, in case others can relate. 

“What will you do for others?” I’ll start by organizing a few supportive group events virtually, happy hours, in addition to listening and caring for clients. I’ll reach out again to family and friends. I’ll kick-start our coaching community. I’ll also limit what I take on to start because surprise surprise I’m no good to anyone else if I don’t care for myself (and this kid in my belly). 

“How do you feel now?”. Calmer, my heartbeat and breath have slowed. I feel more grounded. This is a stronger place to come from. 

“What commitments are you making?” Well…to find a pregnancy yoga video today, find healthy recipes to cook what I have left in the fridge, write and share, and start by organizing a few supportive group events. 

It feels like you pulled a Jedi mind trick on me coach, and I didn’t know I needed it. The topic I brought was how can I support others in this time of crisis, but what I ended up needing is how can I first take care of myself and then be useful to others. The power of coaching strikes again – what a gift to have this space. I always think coaching coaches must be like facilitating a room of facilitators, or herding cats – they know all the tricks, they want to steer and yet it still works somehow. Thank you.

My takeaways in these crazy times:

  1. Take care of yourself – The airplane oxygen mask analogy applies here. If you don’t put on your own mask before helping others, you risk passing out and helping no one. Check-in with yourself honestly and regularly. Practice real self-care, TV wont cut it. Deep breathing, a good cry, a good laugh, exercise, eating healthy, whatever does it for you. 
  2. Reach out to others – If you’re feeling it, likely so is someone else, even people who look like they have their shit together. Luckily there are enough ways to virtually connect these days (until Robots rise up against us, but one apocalyptic scenario at a time).
  3. Take care of yourself – Did I say that already? Well quit avoiding it, and don’t think I don’t see the eye rolling. I’ve been there, remember? Also, I’m pretty sure I grew eyes in the back of my head as soon as I started growing this child. 
  4. Find sustainable ways to help that speak to your unique strengths. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, start small with your family, building, neighborhood, colleagues, immediate network and work from there. Even smiling and saying hello, which normally scares Londoners, brought a big grin to a few faces yesterday. Mind you, we did it from 10 feet away, and they looked confused at first, but a little kindness goes a long way. 
  5. Take a few deep breaths. Focus on the positive for a minute and the opportunity – what’s possible in this crisis? There are incredible acts of kindness, community, and potential change that are happening. Ingrained patterns and systems, like well worn paths, are being disrupted and could be replaced with better ones. A lot more is possible from a place of calm and empathy, than from fear. 

Oh and take care of yourself – yes you! I see you, I know you, I am you. Quit the excuses and do at least one thing that you really need today. I will if you will. 

We can get through this if we stick together (remotely I mean)!

2 thoughts on “I’m not afraid?”

  1. Great post Lisa! You’re so right, we are no good to others unless we are good to ourselves. Very resonant with me 👍

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